With my first baby, I watched the videos and read the books about The Golden Hour. Those magical first moments immediately after birth where my baby would be placed on my chest skin-to-skin. He would do the seemingly elusive Breast Crawl and our initial bond would be solidified.
So of course, I emphatically checked the skin-to-skin box on the birth plan. I talked about my plan with the nurses. And as I was rushed to the operating room for an emergent c-section, I reminded them. As long as he’s healthy I want to do skin to skin right away. Then 13 minutes after midnight, I met my baby boy as he was lifted high on the opposite side of a clear surgical drape. And he wailed the wails only the healthiest newborn could perform. His wails immediately relieved my fears, and I eagerly anticipated the next moments.
And yet he was brought to the newborn isolette while I laid on the operating room table shaking uncontrollably (a reaction to long labor and the anesthetics). I’ll never forget the feeling of straining my neck over my shoulder in a futile attempt to catch a glimpse of him. My heart ached. The seconds felt like minutes and the minutes like hours.
As the OB and her assistant worked to close the incision, while casually discussing their weekend plans, clearly oblivious to my distress, I was left with the anesthesiologist at my head. I asked him repeatedly, “When can I hold him? Why is this taking so long? Is he okay?” If I hadn’t been completely exhausted from my unmedicated induction, 10 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing, I’m sure I would have put up more of a fight but there I was completely depleted and wanting nothing more than my baby.
After what felt like eternity, though was probably 30 minutes, we were finally united. Of course, I worried that this disruption in initial bonding would impair breastfeeding success and limit our ability to bond. Yet, as he was placed on my chest while we wheeled to the recovery room, he latched almost immediately and remained there for the next hour. Relief washed over me, and I felt immediate love and attachment.
The research on initial bonding with the infant does support skin to skin after birth. Not only is it helpful for initial attachment but has many health benefits for the infant including temperature stability, blood sugar regulation, breastfeeding success and more.
Newborn Bonding after Birth
After those initial moments, the bond continues to develop. Admittedly, with the seemingly endless feeding, diaper, sleeping cycles and drudging through the haze only a completely sleep deprived emotional new mom can truly appreciate, these bonding moments may not seem so clear.
That all changed when W was about 6 weeks old. He locked his eyes with mine and his lips turned up, revealing the sweetest smile I had ever seen. And at that moment, my heart melted. It was as if those past 6 weeks of tirelessly caring for this infant who while he was mine and loved by me, remained somewhat of a stranger. But with that first smile, it suddenly seemed that all my hard work paid off. That he matched my ferocious love for him. And there we were. Attached.
The Unexpected
Pregnancy brings about all kinds of strong emotions in people. Too often a pregnant woman endures unsolicited comments about her body, the size of her bump, and how she is carrying. If that wasn’t enough, a pregnant woman is flooded with advice. Most of the advice I ignored, but some was quite valuable. Like use a haaka and take lots of videos.
Perhaps it was being in the trenches of the postnatal period with baby blues raging. Whatever the cause, I will always remember a seemingly typical evening, sitting on the couch with my husband and holding my newborn son. I looked at my baby and I couldn’t stop crying. I was torn because I didn’t want him to see me crying but it was also impossible to look away. “Why did no one tell me I would love him this much?” I uttered as tears streamed down my face.
I felt completely unprepared for this feeling. It swallowed my heart. Love like no other. I wondered, was this what my parents felt? Are all parents just walking around with this massive amount of love for their children? Surely it couldn’t be. Does it slowly wane? Preparing you for that moment when your child no longer wants to be near you as teenagers? I’m not sure, but I do offer expectant mothers that one piece of advice: prepare yourself for the unpreparable. The shock of the indescribable love for your baby.
After that first smile, there are a few other major milestones in the first few months that were key points of attachment for me. Soon after the smile, the cooing began and then the laughs. The sweetest baby giggles and the pure joy in the baby squeals.
So how does one develop a secure attachment in these first four months or so? How does one respond consistently to their infant’s needs? As I described in my experiences with my son, some of the things a parent can do are make eye contact with their infant and smile at them. And when they begin to coo, respond to them. Have a conversation and let them know you are there, and you hear them. And when they begin to laugh, laugh with them. Most of these activities will likely be intuitive for you. In those first few months, doing these things with your baby will surely support development of a secure attachment. In addition to these, it is meeting your infant’s basic needs, feeding them when hungry, comforting them when sad or tired and changing their diapers or clothing when uncomfortable.
How to create a secure attachment with your baby in the first four months of life:
- Responding promptly and sensitively to the infant’s cues: Infants communicate their needs through crying, facial expressions, and body language. Parents who respond promptly and sensitively to their infant’s cues help to build trust and security in the infant-caregiver relationship.
- Engaging in social interactions with the infant: Infants learn to engage in social interaction through face-to-face interactions with their caregivers. Parents who talk to, smile at, and make eye contact with their infants help to promote social engagement and communication.
- Providing physical contact and affection: Infants need physical touch and affection to feel safe and secure. Parents who hold, rock, and cuddle their infants help to promote a sense of comfort and security.
- Establishing routines and predictability: Infants thrive on routines and predictability, which help to create a sense of safety and security in their environment. Parents who establish consistent daily routines for feeding, sleeping, and playtime help to promote a sense of predictability and stability.
- Being emotionally attuned to the infant’s needs: Infants need their caregivers to be emotionally attuned to their needs and feelings. Parents who are responsive to their infant’s emotional cues, such as providing comfort when the infant is upset, help to build trust and security in the infant-caregiver relationship.
Overall, creating a secure attachment with an infant in the first four months of life involves providing consistent and sensitive care, engaging in social interactions, providing physical contact and affection, establishing routines and predictability, and being emotionally attuned to the infant’s needs.
Creating this secure relationship with your infant in the first few months creates a strong foundation for ongoing development. This may sound overwhelming. If so, try to enlist support of your partner, family and friends. And remember that prioritizing just 15 minutes of quality interaction with your infant will go a long way!